The 9 Lives of Christmas
Plot: Brandon Routh (Superman!) and the lesbian sister from last year's A Bride for Christmas play it straight, as a fireman who doesn't believe in true love and a future veterinarian who does. Will a down-to-earth cat lover finally get this bachelor to settle down?
Lovable old person: I am counting Gregory Harrison (of Ed fame! He was Nick!) as an older fireman/mentor.
Overacting: 1/5. This is well-acted, and I especially liked Kimberly Susted as the lead.
My Guilt Level: 2/5 for the cat theme alone. However, I will say, the cats are not prominent.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 5/5. He was freaking Superman for starters; and the opening scene has him yielding an ax in a tank top. You can't say the Hallmark Channel doesn't give the people what they want.
Overall: 4.5/5. This was a pleasant surprise! It could be my favorite of the season.
A Cookie Cutter Christmas
*actual plot point
Lovable old person: no one famous.
Overacting: 3/5.
My Guilt Level: 3/5. I knew this one would be bad....and I watched it anyway.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 3/5. I mean, he's handsome and all, but kind of bland. Kind of like this movie.
Overall: 2/5.
Christmas on the Bayou
Ugh, Mom, why are you still flirting with him??
Plot: A NYC workaholic single mom (aren't they all?) comes home to Loos-iana to spend Christmas with her mother - and hopefully help her little son make some friends. But she finds more than she bargains for when her schoolgirl crush is still in town, and he's lookin' good.
Lovable old person: How to choose? Is it Markie Post of Nightcourt fame as the mother? Country legend Randy Travis as a generous shopkeeper? Or Ed Asner and his unsteady Southern accent as Papa Noel? (that's Santee Claus to those of us up north)
Overacting: 2/5. It's actually not too bad!
My Guilt Level: 2/5. I pretty much knew what I was getting into here when I decided to watch a movie called "Christmas on the Bayou."
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 4/5. He's a bearded Southern charmer who simply won't give up on his girl no matter how often she pushes him away. Seriously, stop pushing him away!
Overall: 3/5. It has a cute ending and some of the more believable acting in the crop.
En Vogue Christmas
Plot: A successful music mogul tries to save the club her dad founded by holding a benefit concert with the only people who can save it....90s girl group En Vogue. Obviously.
Lovable old person: David Alan Grier, who is 58...and looking creepy.
My Guilt Level: 5/5. 4 points for the movie, and 1 point for the fact that I downloaded a song from the movie on iTunes.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: n/a. This one's about girl power, y'all.
Overall: 2/5. I mean, it wasn't terrible. I recommend watching the first 15 minutes to get a flavor, then skip to an hour in. You'll catch on just fine.
Angels and Ornaments
Don't be fooled....no drums are actually played, and nothing exciting happens in this movie.
Lovable old person: non-existent.
Overacting: 3/5. I was immediately bothered by the leading lady's whispery delivery. Try to watch a whole movie of that and see if you don't go crazy.
My Guilt Level: 2/5. Plot-wise, this is pretty standard issue Hallmark material. I just wish it was better executed.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 2/5. Points deducted for the way he pines helplessly for our lady. He even has to endure a dressing room montage in which HE'S the one trying on clothes, all so he can appear more appealing to our leading lady (cuz music store employees LOVE guys in suits). Turn in your man card immediately, sir!
Overall: 2/5. Totally forgettable, and that title's not helping any.
A Royal Christmas
This is the only time you'll find Jane Seymour smiling in this movie.
Plot: Lacey Chabert, fresh off 2013's Matchmaker Santa, now plays a seamstress/aspiring clothing designer who learns her boyfriend is a prince. Trouble ensues when he brings her home to Queen mama and she's none too pleased by the uncouth American. Plot points borrowed liberally from the Princess Diaries and The Prince and Me.
Lovable old person: Jane Seymour, not so lovable as the queen. Don't worry, though, she has a sudden turn-about in the last five minutes.
Overacting: 4/5. After seeing this second movie with Lacey Chabert, I have decided that if Lacey Chabert is not playing Gretchen Weiners, I'm not interested. She's a bit like a little mouse - she's so much shorter than everyone else on screen, and delivers her lines in a little baby voice that just kind of grates.
My Guilt Level: 3/5.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 4/5. One point deducted for the face that he's playing a prince in France, and has a British accent. I mean, I love me a British accent, but...
Overall: 2/5. Meh. I was bugged that the movie starts with the two leads already together. Not only do we miss the meet-cute(!), but they don't have much chemistry together. You really do wonder why they're together.
One Starry Christmas
Lovable old person: No one famous.
Overacting: 2/5. I think my only beef with the acting is our cowboy's accent, which I can only describe as half-Texas, half-Jersey. I was incredibly distracted every time he said the word "stahhs" ("stars"). Good thing this movie's not about a budding young astronomer and stars are not a major plot point. Wait, it is? Ah, crap.
My Guilt Level: 1/5.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 4/5. See above comment regarding accent.
Overall: 4/5. A pleasant surprise!
Christmas at Cartwright's
Plot : Last year's "star of Christmas" Alicia Witt is in only one movie this Christmas, and she's chosen terribly. She plays an out-of-work single mother who is turned down for a job at a classy department store, and winds up...as the department store Santa. Poor Alicia Witt not only has to dress up as Santa but has to talk in a deep voice to fool others into thinking she's a man. Surprises are in store when she discovers she has a magic ability to grant children's wishes for Christmas courtesy of an angel claiming to be a corporate consultant. And yes...it really is as bad as it sounds.
Lovable old person: Wallace Shawn ("Inconceivable!") plays the magic corporate consultant.
Overacting: 4/5. If Alicia Witt's man-voice weren't enough, her department sidekick is an over-eager lady elf.
My Guilt Level: 5/5.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 2/5. Big bland suit.
Overall: 1/5. I would say this is the worst of the crop...but it gets worse.
The Best Christmas Party Ever
Plot : A party planner works against the odds to plan....[and this is where I fell asleep]
The Christmas Parade
I mean, look at that skirt. Do you sympathize with this woman?
Plot
: 90210's AnnaLynne McCord plays a TV gossip journalist who learns her boyfriend? fiance? is engaged to someone else while doing a segment on national TV. Humiliated, she gets in her car and promptly crashes it in a small town, where she must stay and do community service. Conveniently, there is a parade display that needs a-making, and a handsome innkeeper who needs to go a-wooing. I would also be remiss if I failed to mention that Drew Scott, of HGTV's Property Brothers, plays the skeezy boyfriend/fiance. Lovable old person: Wendy Williams as the town pastor. Yep, that's exactly who I would've cast, too.
Overacting: 3/5.
My Guilt Level: 3/5.
Handsomeness of Male Lead: 4/5. He's cute, gals. If you're wondering where you've seen him before, he had a minor role in that new Christmas classic, the 12 Men of Christmas.
Overall: 2/5. My entire opinion of this movie is wrapped around my hatred of AnnaLynne McCord's character. Hallmark Christmas movies are supposed to revolve around the girl next door or the obsessive career woman or the lonely young single mother, not the bratty popular girl who got all the guys in high school. She's not sympathetic even when she has her turn-around.
Still with me?? Tell me what YOU think about this year's crop.
